Trying to let go, but not giving up

The first thing on my to-do-list is to try and get over someone. The relationship I have had with this girl has been kind of rocky. She is the first person I have ever told that I liked her. She had liked me, but didn't want anything serious. We remain friends, but I like her too much and she knows it. She had told me that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, because when she tries to be someone's girlfriend, it changes who she is in a bad way. I told her that I would never want her to change for me. I like who she is and I like that she doesn't try to change who I am. The thing is that I think she is confused in her life as well and doesn't know what she wants. What I plan to do is to try and get over her. This break is perfect to do this, because I won't see her for two weeks. I still don't want to give up on her, though. This is where contradiction sets in. I have to find a balance and just be friends with this girl. I have another girl waiting on me, and she seems really nice. I have to first get over this other girl, before I start anything with another.

Findings

These next blogs will be me trying to find myself again. Lately I have been a rapid chameleon; changing. As I had said before, this break is going to actually be a break. I'm going to take time for myself and discover who I am and what I want in life; from what I want in my career, schooling, and relationships. I have changed and some of them are not so good changes, because they are not who I want to be.

Recent Postings

The recent postings that I just put up is how I have been feeling for about the past month about various things. I am looking forward towards this upcoming winter break. It will be the actual first break that I will have in 2 years. Since the summer before I was a high school senior, I have been working during my breaks; whether it work at the hotel or at the mill. This break is something that I have been needing. I didn't think it would come and it has been a rough ride getting here. But it is finally here and I am going to take advantage of it. I'm taking a break from work, school, complicated relationships and feelings, and re-evaluate myself as a person. I have lost what I have wanted in life and in a relationship. This will be the perfect opportunity to find it all back.

Submerged Moon

A submerged moon is something to find serene.
Not just by the physical aspect of it, but by the symbolism of it.
Though the moon is submerged in darkness, there is still light shining from it.
Though I am submerged in darkness, there is still light shining from me.
I may seem sad once in a while, I may seem quiet and reserved
Doesn't mean that I do not see the light around me.
The light around me are the ones I love, the ones that I care for and who care for me.
Please don't ever think that I am not happy being with you, because you are the only ones that do make me happy.
No matter how much darkness I am submerged in, I will always see the light (you loved ones) and it will keep me going.

I wonder

Sometimes I think about you.
Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinkin' about me.
And would you even recognize,
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be.
Cuz I look in the mirror and all I see,
Are your brown eyes looking back at me.
They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all.

Oh I hear the weather's nice. There's sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home to.
I wonder what you'd say to me.

I think about how it ain't fair.
That you weren't there.
You weren't around to cheer me on.
Did you think I didn't need you here.
To hold my hand, to dry my tears.
Did you even miss me through the years at all?

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Oh I hear the weather's nice. There's sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home.
I wonder what you'd say to me.

Forgiveness.
Such a simple word.
But its so hard to do.
When you've been hurt.

Oh I hear the weather's nice.
And just in case you're wondering about me.
From now on I won't be here...
Your little girl is off...
Your little girl is off...
to finally be set free

THe DoVe

Out hatched a dove under a crooked tree. Growing up, the dove went through the rotten things. Terrified of all that were thought to be love, the dove built a wall up and shut out everyone. She loves her friends and her family, but she doesn't know how to be a being. Her mind is thumping, and her heart is feeling all the time. All these emotions hadn't spewed out, because of the walls. But so many kept emotions are flooding the walls. Her heart is hurt due to the flood. Is this good? Should the walls be built back up? So much confusion in a the dark of night.

If I would have known then, what I know now

If I would have known then, what I know now.
I would have smiled and took your hand.
I would have looked you in the eyes and admired your grin.
I would have listened to your words and took it all in.
Your beauty was something deep within.
No one could see it, not even a whim.
But I saw it the first day I came in.
You were so very sweet to me.
Every day you gave me strength
I had thought if only a different time and different place.
I was afraid to say how I felt, to take you in.
Now, I wished I would have smiled, took your hand, and loved you.
If I wasn't so dumb to even think other people mattered to how I felt about you,
We could have been together all this time and I would be happy.

I would like to introduce myself to Coffee

Hey Coffee,

I learned about your blog through Michelle. She is a very good friend of mine up here in Superior, though I call her Gutsch. One day she had read me one of your blogs and I thought it was so cute and it made me smile, which is sometimes hard because I'm always so stressed. Gutsch is a great friend and she has told me about you, Coffee. She loves you so so much. It's my second year here at UW-Superior and I'm majoring in Art Education with minors in Women's studies and Coaching. Also this year, I have decided to take on being a Resident Assistant for one of the Halls, the assistant women's coordinator (where I get to work with Michelle "Gutsch"), and I am also a part of the two student organizations; Student Government and Amnesty International (which is a human rights org.) So I have been super busy, which I have had hardly any time for myself, but I will try to start posting more blogs, because it does help relieve stress. Also, it is nice reading your blogs, they are super cute. So, it is nice to meet you. Hope you have a doggity day! :)

Your friend,
Britt

p.s. My family has two dogs, Tink and Mandy. Tink is a blue healer mix and we have had her since she was a pup, so about 13 years. Mandy is a new addition to the family and she is very energetic (she is keeping Tink young), she is a blue healer/shar pei mix pup.

I'll Call You My Friend and We Shall Be Friends Forever and Ever!

There have been times when you didn't want to be my friend...but finally, I think, you have accepted me. You called the other night, for the first time ever, crying to me. At least crying to me, while you were sober. Even though it made me terribly sad that you were hurt, this has been the one moment that I truly felt that you needed me as a friend, besides all our crazy fun times. The thing is we have known each other since pre-school, but you didn't accept me truly as your friend until the senior year of high school. We had a great time, but then that next summer (summer before college), we both told each other our deepest secrets. Since then, there have been many trials and you have always been there for me. Finally, this one moment has come, and I am here for you. You are one of the most amazing people that I know. You have always achieved to be successful in whatever you wanted to do. This has always made me proud, because despite our sexist background, you were better than all them boys. Right now, you may feel deep in the burrows of sad dirt, but I know you will succeed in finding happiness. You are one of the smartest women I have ever met and one of the most compassionate. Always being a good person, who has never shown disrespect to anyone; I call you my friend and I know we will be friends forever and ever!

Stay Away From My Sisters!

I have two sisters, their names are Ame and Ellie and they are 15 and Ellie will be 13 tomarrow!! Why they are growing up, I don't understand? They need to stop, because I don't think I can handle them starting to have boyfriends. I'm worse than my mother with them growing up and having boyfriends. Ame has already had one and he was a bad news bear. I hated it everything Ame called me up and complained about how this boy treated her wrong. All that I can do is give her advice about not letting a boy be too demanding and controlling and to do what she wants despite what he wants her to do. She got over that boy, thankfully, and when she gets another one, I hope she listens to me and make sure this next boy won't be an idiot. As for Ellie, she has started taking interest in boys. Ahhhhhhh!!! Not two sisters, now. With Ellie, at least, I know that she won't let a boy tell her what she can't do. Haha...she is so very stubborn and indepenedent. I'll, actually, feel bad for the boy that will date her, but that is what I love so much about her. Anyways, I hope my sisters will listen to me...and boys, STAY AWAY FROM MY SISTERS!

Kitty and Birdy

Heather, I know how upset you are about running over that poor kitty. I wanted to let you know that I feel your pain, because I once too killed a poor, defenseless animal, on accident. It was back when I was about 8 or 9 and I was riding my bike around my block. Well, going around the same block over and over can get a little boring (and my mom wouldn't let me go any further). Well, I was looking for a little excitement and finally after a while I spotted this big stick in the middle of the street and I decided that I am going to try to roll my bike over it. It was pretty big, or at least it was then. Right when I rolled over it, I spotted a little birdy on the other side of it, that I had not seen before because the stick blocked it from my view, and...squash, my back tired landed on it. I went to go back and look at the damages and its one wing was stuck up in the air, kind of like it was trying to fly...but...sadly...it...was...dead

Dear Kitty and Birdy,

Heather and I are so very sorry for killing you...but I hear that all animals go to Heaven...so you have to be in Kitty and Birdy Heaven right now. There must be plenty of mice and bird baths up there, right...Oh, you don't eat mice in Heaven? It is that really fancy, very expensive cat food that is non-dolphin or horse made that you eat? That is very nice...And you get petted all the time? Well, you lucky kitty. See, Heather running you over wasn't that bad...just hurt for a split second...Okay, well, talk you later Kitty. Have a nice bath, Birdy.

Love,
Britt

Dear N

Dear N,

I just wanted to let you know how damn sexy you are :) I love just watching you walk around all dominant and proud. Though you don't think you are beautiful and others have told you that you are not, you are so very beautiful to me. Your lovely tan skin and raven black hair, that you always wear in the same style. Your strong face and beautiful dark eyes. I will forever love your gorgeous voice and amazing smile. Your classiness is priceless and you know how to be tough. Forever and ever, even if you leave my life, I will remeber your beauty.

Love,Britt

Katie

I have noticed that most of the time, the only time people write or speak of loved ones and how they influence our lives is when they are dead. I want people to know how much Katie means to me and how she has influence my life. I know that she has influenced other lives...if only by her funny laugh (I wish I could describe it, but it is too hard). This is why I am writing this note. Katie is three years older than I and we have always had each other; we are pretty much like sisters, even though she is my aunt. When we were little we loved to play with Barbies or sing to songs in harmony ("The Boy is Mine" by Brandy and Monica...he he he). We used to play in the shower, where we would turn the water super cold and try to rush through it...yeah, we were dorks. Other fun times were picking on her brother, who is a year younger than me...yeah, strange. We would pick on him for liking Barney and whenever he wanted to play Barbies with us; Katie made him be the mailman and he couldn't even be the Ken doll, he had to be a lego man. Now that we have matured, we don't pick on Joey as much...oh, wait, we do...ha ha...but he loves us anyway :). As we got older, Katie would always give me advice. There were times when it drove me crazy (especially when she was right, but I was too stubborn to admit it). The advice she gave was mainly on boys (though, I was never as interested...ha ha), school, and how to have fun (she gave me my first sip of coke and rum). The most important thing that she has shown me is how to be a good person. There was never a time that she has shown anyone disrespect...no matter how much she didn't care for that person. She hardly ever spoke ill of anyone. Her open-mind has also helped shape me. Her independence helps me to see that I can be independent and not need to depend on others. She is kind and helpful to everyone she meets, no matter what troubles she goes through. I want people to know that, so they appreciate her more. Thank you Katie, for making me want to be a good person. I love you!!!

Show Some Respect

Lately I have been getting upset about the way some people treat others. I am not saying that I am perfect, but I believe in respect and try to give it as much as possible. Some people don't like the fact that I am a nice person and some even think it is an act...but it isn't. I am the kind of person who won't make fun of people or laugh at others who make fun of others. I hate when discriminatory words are used such as: "that is gay" or "that is retarded". I know that when a lot of people use these words, they don't actually mean to offend gay or mentally-challenged people...but they do because the way they use the words in context is negative. I wish people would realize how damaging making fun of a person or saying bad things about people is. I have found no reason as to why people pick on others and think it is (if it is cliched, I am sorry) because they either have nothing better to do or they are insecure about some aspect of their life. Also, I do not get why there is still racism, sexism, and discrimination against people in America. One of the reasons for coming over to America was to have freedom in religion and now, some people are afraid to speak of their religion. America is a diverse nation and people of all different backgrounds live here. We need to be able to respect each other and not allow one set belief control how we treat others. Isn't there enough bad in the world without this. We have drugs, famine, world hunger, cancer killing us...does this still have to be an issue? People need to be tolerant of others' choices, beliefs, and backgrounds. Not everyone believes in the same thing, everyone is different; which is what I love about life. What I don't love is people killing or hurting others because they are a different color, gender, sexual orientation, or just plain different.