Trying to let go, but not giving up

The first thing on my to-do-list is to try and get over someone. The relationship I have had with this girl has been kind of rocky. She is the first person I have ever told that I liked her. She had liked me, but didn't want anything serious. We remain friends, but I like her too much and she knows it. She had told me that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, because when she tries to be someone's girlfriend, it changes who she is in a bad way. I told her that I would never want her to change for me. I like who she is and I like that she doesn't try to change who I am. The thing is that I think she is confused in her life as well and doesn't know what she wants. What I plan to do is to try and get over her. This break is perfect to do this, because I won't see her for two weeks. I still don't want to give up on her, though. This is where contradiction sets in. I have to find a balance and just be friends with this girl. I have another girl waiting on me, and she seems really nice. I have to first get over this other girl, before I start anything with another.

Findings

These next blogs will be me trying to find myself again. Lately I have been a rapid chameleon; changing. As I had said before, this break is going to actually be a break. I'm going to take time for myself and discover who I am and what I want in life; from what I want in my career, schooling, and relationships. I have changed and some of them are not so good changes, because they are not who I want to be.

Recent Postings

The recent postings that I just put up is how I have been feeling for about the past month about various things. I am looking forward towards this upcoming winter break. It will be the actual first break that I will have in 2 years. Since the summer before I was a high school senior, I have been working during my breaks; whether it work at the hotel or at the mill. This break is something that I have been needing. I didn't think it would come and it has been a rough ride getting here. But it is finally here and I am going to take advantage of it. I'm taking a break from work, school, complicated relationships and feelings, and re-evaluate myself as a person. I have lost what I have wanted in life and in a relationship. This will be the perfect opportunity to find it all back.

Submerged Moon

A submerged moon is something to find serene.
Not just by the physical aspect of it, but by the symbolism of it.
Though the moon is submerged in darkness, there is still light shining from it.
Though I am submerged in darkness, there is still light shining from me.
I may seem sad once in a while, I may seem quiet and reserved
Doesn't mean that I do not see the light around me.
The light around me are the ones I love, the ones that I care for and who care for me.
Please don't ever think that I am not happy being with you, because you are the only ones that do make me happy.
No matter how much darkness I am submerged in, I will always see the light (you loved ones) and it will keep me going.

I wonder

Sometimes I think about you.
Wonder if you're out there somewhere thinkin' about me.
And would you even recognize,
The woman that your little girl has grown up to be.
Cuz I look in the mirror and all I see,
Are your brown eyes looking back at me.
They're the only thing you ever gave to me at all.

Oh I hear the weather's nice. There's sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home to.
I wonder what you'd say to me.

I think about how it ain't fair.
That you weren't there.
You weren't around to cheer me on.
Did you think I didn't need you here.
To hold my hand, to dry my tears.
Did you even miss me through the years at all?

<>
Oh I hear the weather's nice. There's sunny skies as far as I can see.
If you ever come back home.
I wonder what you'd say to me.

Forgiveness.
Such a simple word.
But its so hard to do.
When you've been hurt.

Oh I hear the weather's nice.
And just in case you're wondering about me.
From now on I won't be here...
Your little girl is off...
Your little girl is off...
to finally be set free

THe DoVe

Out hatched a dove under a crooked tree. Growing up, the dove went through the rotten things. Terrified of all that were thought to be love, the dove built a wall up and shut out everyone. She loves her friends and her family, but she doesn't know how to be a being. Her mind is thumping, and her heart is feeling all the time. All these emotions hadn't spewed out, because of the walls. But so many kept emotions are flooding the walls. Her heart is hurt due to the flood. Is this good? Should the walls be built back up? So much confusion in a the dark of night.

If I would have known then, what I know now

If I would have known then, what I know now.
I would have smiled and took your hand.
I would have looked you in the eyes and admired your grin.
I would have listened to your words and took it all in.
Your beauty was something deep within.
No one could see it, not even a whim.
But I saw it the first day I came in.
You were so very sweet to me.
Every day you gave me strength
I had thought if only a different time and different place.
I was afraid to say how I felt, to take you in.
Now, I wished I would have smiled, took your hand, and loved you.
If I wasn't so dumb to even think other people mattered to how I felt about you,
We could have been together all this time and I would be happy.

I would like to introduce myself to Coffee

Hey Coffee,

I learned about your blog through Michelle. She is a very good friend of mine up here in Superior, though I call her Gutsch. One day she had read me one of your blogs and I thought it was so cute and it made me smile, which is sometimes hard because I'm always so stressed. Gutsch is a great friend and she has told me about you, Coffee. She loves you so so much. It's my second year here at UW-Superior and I'm majoring in Art Education with minors in Women's studies and Coaching. Also this year, I have decided to take on being a Resident Assistant for one of the Halls, the assistant women's coordinator (where I get to work with Michelle "Gutsch"), and I am also a part of the two student organizations; Student Government and Amnesty International (which is a human rights org.) So I have been super busy, which I have had hardly any time for myself, but I will try to start posting more blogs, because it does help relieve stress. Also, it is nice reading your blogs, they are super cute. So, it is nice to meet you. Hope you have a doggity day! :)

Your friend,
Britt

p.s. My family has two dogs, Tink and Mandy. Tink is a blue healer mix and we have had her since she was a pup, so about 13 years. Mandy is a new addition to the family and she is very energetic (she is keeping Tink young), she is a blue healer/shar pei mix pup.